She in Spaces

No dusty old blanket.  No coffin cart.  No way to the cemetery.  I believe in things lost being reclaimed or, simply, found.  They should not stay lost forever.  In this sea of the everyday, we lose many things.  We forget.  Where do they go?  Down a rabbit hole?  People are the worst to lose.  Perhaps it is best not to have them.  I see the circles of the women, the ladies, having their fun.  They are doing all the things they so desire.  They circle and drum.  Why am I not one?  I could blame it all on the mean girls for their tete-a-tete at times they found to bring me down.  They nibble on their amuse bouche of tasty insults.  Hidden slurs.  Quiet whispers.  I could take them to task.  Instead, I'll queue the calliope music for the clown car of versions of myself that never were.  Where, exactly, did the time go?  I'm not a 'real' friend?  I can live with that.  But you'll never take me alive.  So, if I'm not real.  Indeed, if I don't exist to the majority of those in my life, do I exist at all?  Why do men seek to destroy me when they look right through me?  They are the descendants of everything they detest and they show it well.  No soul.  No mercy.  Should I rake them over the coals for it?  Are they the problem here?  It is my space to write and find things that are lost.  It is my place to reveal them.  Right wrongs.  Apologize.  Move on.  Things have got to start.  Things have to be found.  For someone in the bargain basement spirit bin, mine was half off.  For sale.  Dozing.  When I rinse, wash and repeat, I've become a drone.  A conformist to the norm.  Some people ask me to join their band, but I can't play.  Never could.  I'll visit someday.  Just to observe the circles and circles as they join and go on without me.  They have their life, their homes, their fertility.  They have their space, their drums and their spirituality.  I have myself.  She is the only space I've known in this place.  I'm sorry.  Meaning not to offend.  But I can not trust the self with something that my awkward self was never born to be.  I have no confidence in believing.  I see smirks behind smiles.  I have no faith.